Let's face it: A break up is not exactly the most pleasant thing to go through. We all want to avoid it. Hopefully this guide will help you fix your relationship and help you continue with a strong and stable one.
STEPS
1. Prioritize. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Prioritize the importance of your emotions and the emotions of your partners over the old broken record of "who is right and who is wrong". Are you reacting against, blaming or attacking your partner because you want to be right and don't want to be wrong? If you did something to hurt or upset your partner, it's more important to accept that your partner's feelings are important to you and your happiness. In order to attain happiness we need to understand the source of our partner's feelings and realize how our behavior has triggered their reaction, judgment or behavior.
If you truly want to be happy, then you need to address the feelings created by your actions - in both yourself and your partner. Maybe you have done nothing wrong and your partner is "over-reacting", expecting too much from you or unfairly judging your actions as something you are doing against them.
The first step is investigate the feelings of each partner and stop reacting, blaming and judging each other as "wrong" or "right".
2. List all the things that you want to change about your partner and see how these things help you to be more self-responsible, independent and loving. It's very easy to blame others or get upset with your partner over something you believe is right.
The truth is, you only have awareness of how you think and feel. Your partner's intentions and actions may be just as valid as yours but come from a different way of living and perceiving the world. When you accept that your partner is different in the way they approach life you can also see how your ways, values and sense of self is unique and can complement or conflict with your partner.
Use this difference between the two of you to gain clarity on whom you are and how you wish to live. You can then make choices about how you can work with each other's rhythm, habits and desires. Sometimes you will be incompatible in the way you wish to live, so there will need to be a compromise.
When you tolerate parts of your partner that annoy you, you create a loving, allowing space that enables your partner to see what is good and bad for the relationship. You will hope for the same loving behavior from them, but sometimes your partner may not be capable of giving that to you.
However, by creating a loving space where you create tolerance, understanding and respect for each individual, you generate the accepting environment where your partner has choices to respond in a more loving way.
3. Discover the parts of you that need help and that you are ultimately afraid of sharing. Does your fear of being vulnerable stop you from sharing and opening up with your partner? Maybe you are so grumpy, anxious or unhappy because your partner has touched on something you don't like about yourself and that brings up emotions of guilt or fear.
The ultimate fear is that your partner or loved one won't accept or love you anymore. Love from our parents and pets is often unconditional, but all other love is based on conditions and acceptance and takes time to develop trust and attachment.
Relationships that have only just started often exist with a high degree of vulnerability in case the partner discovers something about the other that makes them run away or reject the other. Relationships that have lasted for longer periods of time undergo a different unconscious tension created by small rejections of aspects of each other's personality that may not be attractive to us. These little rejections of part of your personality build up over time.
Make a list of your personality traits, talents and passions that you feel are criticized, rejected, under-appreciated or misunderstood by your loved ones. Start to ask yourself questions about these aspects of yourself. Have you been hiding these parts of yourself from fear of rejection?
Have you misrepresented these parts of yourself to others and created a bad impression of yourself to others? Sometimes we create the wrong impression because we are so scared of how people will judge us. Often we are scared to share our need to love with those closest to us and this creates the opposite response. Our partner thinks we don't want closeness and intimacy because we are so scared of saying clearly how much we desire to love and be loved.
4. Look to yourself. What are your sexual problems? Every intimate relationship over time experiences sexual problems. These problems are not due to anybody's "fault". Problems arise sexually because humans in general are not very good about talking about sex, communicating our sexual differences or creating a sexually playful and guilt-free environment in long term relationships.
Write down what you perceive as your sexual problems in the relationship. As you look back at what you wrote, determine how you contribute to the problem and how your partner contributes to the problem. No matter how innocent you think you are, you do contribute to your problem in some way. For example, you may be unable to communicate your frustration or that you do not like something.
Now, compare how you create the "problem" to how your partner creates the "problem". When you compare your perception of yourself sexually with how you perceive your partner sexually you begin to see a pattern that is inherent in the roles each of you play in your relationship's sex life. Sometime the pattern is temporary or not really a problem, but simply a phase that your relationship is moving through. Other times, the pattern is a long-standing pattern that creates an ongoing obstacle to moving forward in the relationship.Again, see the pattern as the problem, not you or your partner.
Once we see the dynamics of the roles we play in a sexual relationship you have a lot of power to enjoy those roles, to change them and to play with them. The real homework is desiring to change your sex life from a playful attitude, not a place of "I deserve to be treated" in a special way. Everyone desires to be loved, but we are uniquely individual in the way we seek that love sexually.
5. Work out what you like and how your partner can discover and understand what you like. What is intimate for you may not be intimacy for someone else. There is a book written by Mark Bryan called the Codes of Love where he outlines five "love codes" that we use to get and give love. These codes are Touch, Gifts, Words, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. The basic principle determined by Mark is that we each desire to receive love in a certain way or "code" and in general we give love in the same "code". However, our partner may desire to receive love in a different "code".
Sometimes, you may be giving your love by cleaning the house, which you think is the greatest act of love you can give and yet your partner may really be craving another form of love.
Courtship rituals help us to determine what turns our partner on. Courtship doesn't end when you have consummated with sex! In a love relationship, courtship is an ongoing dynamic that must be fed in order to keep the love relationship alive. Modern love relationships require more work in courting your partner than previous relationships. That is partly because as a culture we value intimacy more than ever. Traditional marriages in the past were often for financial convenience and continuing the bloodline of families, tribes and nations. Relationships today are more concerned with greater intimacy. If you truly desire to keep your relationship alive, you must discover how your partner truly desires to receive love. And you must aspire to give that love to them, as love is about giving as much as receiving. It is in giving your partner what they truly desire that you may find the biggest turn on in your life!
6. Stop acting from "pleasing" your partner so they will like you. It is true that being happy in a relationship comes from making the other person happy. Our desire to please the other person is also satisfying our need to please others but - sometimes - is not necessarily meeting your partner's need and desires to be loved. The irony is, a lot of energy is spent attempting to make your loved one happy according to your personal tastes, beliefs, thoughts and feelings.
Ultimately, greater intimacy is understanding what turns your partner on and off, what motivates them and what is their life purpose. You can only help your partner with their life purpose, if you also work to fulfilling your own dreams and support them from a place of loving. This love does not simply tell them how great they are but also gives feedback on where they need to improve, how they make you feel good and how they make you feel not so good.
As children we often behaved in ways to receive love from our parents and they gave us positive feedback or love when we "pleased" them. As we age we still operate by responding well to positive feedback and love. You may be trying to please your partner with the belief they will continue to like you, approve of you and not reject you.
A more stable and richer love is love that does not seek approval but comes from the desire to support another human, share in their experience and benefit from sharing in the good and bad experiences of that unique individual's life. To truly please your partner, imagine and create acts of love that are purely for them, with their interests in mind. If they do not respond as you hoped, then you will be one step closer to knowing how they are and what they like.
When you understand your partner's core likes, motivations and desires, your intimacy can support them while also affirming that your needs to be supported are also a requirement of the relationship.In a balanced relationship, each partner does not give up all his or her beliefs, ways of living for the other. It needs to feel like, and result in, a fair exchange, where one partner is supporting the other at different times but not necessarily at the same time.In a relationship that operates as an ongoing process of growth, mistakes and successes, there is the opportunity to create a loving place where you open your heart and life to encourage the person to reach their full potential. You may not always please your partner, but you can discover how to give them acknowledgment for who both of you are individually.
7. .In order to keep a relationship, you must acknowledge your desire to love your partner, despite differences, difficulties and incompatibilities. This requires you to be honest and real about your efforts to create a loving accepting environment and your partner's capabilities to join you in creating an environment that will help the relationship grow. To save a relationship from break-up, it's all in your belief about possibilities for change. Even if you believe the worst about your partner and yourself and the problems you have created between you, your fears of keeping a relationship are secondary to your desire to make the relationship grow into an opportunity to support another human and support your own desires to love.
The truth is, you only have awareness of how you think and feel. Your partner's intentions and actions may be just as valid as yours but come from a different way of living and perceiving the world. When you accept that your partner is different in the way they approach life you can also see how your ways, values and sense of self is unique and can complement or conflict with your partner.
Use this difference between the two of you to gain clarity on whom you are and how you wish to live. You can then make choices about how you can work with each other's rhythm, habits and desires. Sometimes you will be incompatible in the way you wish to live, so there will need to be a compromise.
When you tolerate parts of your partner that annoy you, you create a loving, allowing space that enables your partner to see what is good and bad for the relationship. You will hope for the same loving behavior from them, but sometimes your partner may not be capable of giving that to you.
However, by creating a loving space where you create tolerance, understanding and respect for each individual, you generate the accepting environment where your partner has choices to respond in a more loving way.
3. Discover the parts of you that need help and that you are ultimately afraid of sharing. Does your fear of being vulnerable stop you from sharing and opening up with your partner? Maybe you are so grumpy, anxious or unhappy because your partner has touched on something you don't like about yourself and that brings up emotions of guilt or fear.
The ultimate fear is that your partner or loved one won't accept or love you anymore. Love from our parents and pets is often unconditional, but all other love is based on conditions and acceptance and takes time to develop trust and attachment.
Relationships that have only just started often exist with a high degree of vulnerability in case the partner discovers something about the other that makes them run away or reject the other. Relationships that have lasted for longer periods of time undergo a different unconscious tension created by small rejections of aspects of each other's personality that may not be attractive to us. These little rejections of part of your personality build up over time.
Make a list of your personality traits, talents and passions that you feel are criticized, rejected, under-appreciated or misunderstood by your loved ones. Start to ask yourself questions about these aspects of yourself. Have you been hiding these parts of yourself from fear of rejection?
Have you misrepresented these parts of yourself to others and created a bad impression of yourself to others? Sometimes we create the wrong impression because we are so scared of how people will judge us. Often we are scared to share our need to love with those closest to us and this creates the opposite response. Our partner thinks we don't want closeness and intimacy because we are so scared of saying clearly how much we desire to love and be loved.
4. Look to yourself. What are your sexual problems? Every intimate relationship over time experiences sexual problems. These problems are not due to anybody's "fault". Problems arise sexually because humans in general are not very good about talking about sex, communicating our sexual differences or creating a sexually playful and guilt-free environment in long term relationships.
Write down what you perceive as your sexual problems in the relationship. As you look back at what you wrote, determine how you contribute to the problem and how your partner contributes to the problem. No matter how innocent you think you are, you do contribute to your problem in some way. For example, you may be unable to communicate your frustration or that you do not like something.
Now, compare how you create the "problem" to how your partner creates the "problem". When you compare your perception of yourself sexually with how you perceive your partner sexually you begin to see a pattern that is inherent in the roles each of you play in your relationship's sex life. Sometime the pattern is temporary or not really a problem, but simply a phase that your relationship is moving through. Other times, the pattern is a long-standing pattern that creates an ongoing obstacle to moving forward in the relationship.Again, see the pattern as the problem, not you or your partner.
Once we see the dynamics of the roles we play in a sexual relationship you have a lot of power to enjoy those roles, to change them and to play with them. The real homework is desiring to change your sex life from a playful attitude, not a place of "I deserve to be treated" in a special way. Everyone desires to be loved, but we are uniquely individual in the way we seek that love sexually.
5. Work out what you like and how your partner can discover and understand what you like. What is intimate for you may not be intimacy for someone else. There is a book written by Mark Bryan called the Codes of Love where he outlines five "love codes" that we use to get and give love. These codes are Touch, Gifts, Words, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. The basic principle determined by Mark is that we each desire to receive love in a certain way or "code" and in general we give love in the same "code". However, our partner may desire to receive love in a different "code".
Sometimes, you may be giving your love by cleaning the house, which you think is the greatest act of love you can give and yet your partner may really be craving another form of love.
Courtship rituals help us to determine what turns our partner on. Courtship doesn't end when you have consummated with sex! In a love relationship, courtship is an ongoing dynamic that must be fed in order to keep the love relationship alive. Modern love relationships require more work in courting your partner than previous relationships. That is partly because as a culture we value intimacy more than ever. Traditional marriages in the past were often for financial convenience and continuing the bloodline of families, tribes and nations. Relationships today are more concerned with greater intimacy. If you truly desire to keep your relationship alive, you must discover how your partner truly desires to receive love. And you must aspire to give that love to them, as love is about giving as much as receiving. It is in giving your partner what they truly desire that you may find the biggest turn on in your life!
6. Stop acting from "pleasing" your partner so they will like you. It is true that being happy in a relationship comes from making the other person happy. Our desire to please the other person is also satisfying our need to please others but - sometimes - is not necessarily meeting your partner's need and desires to be loved. The irony is, a lot of energy is spent attempting to make your loved one happy according to your personal tastes, beliefs, thoughts and feelings.
Ultimately, greater intimacy is understanding what turns your partner on and off, what motivates them and what is their life purpose. You can only help your partner with their life purpose, if you also work to fulfilling your own dreams and support them from a place of loving. This love does not simply tell them how great they are but also gives feedback on where they need to improve, how they make you feel good and how they make you feel not so good.
As children we often behaved in ways to receive love from our parents and they gave us positive feedback or love when we "pleased" them. As we age we still operate by responding well to positive feedback and love. You may be trying to please your partner with the belief they will continue to like you, approve of you and not reject you.
A more stable and richer love is love that does not seek approval but comes from the desire to support another human, share in their experience and benefit from sharing in the good and bad experiences of that unique individual's life. To truly please your partner, imagine and create acts of love that are purely for them, with their interests in mind. If they do not respond as you hoped, then you will be one step closer to knowing how they are and what they like.
When you understand your partner's core likes, motivations and desires, your intimacy can support them while also affirming that your needs to be supported are also a requirement of the relationship.In a balanced relationship, each partner does not give up all his or her beliefs, ways of living for the other. It needs to feel like, and result in, a fair exchange, where one partner is supporting the other at different times but not necessarily at the same time.In a relationship that operates as an ongoing process of growth, mistakes and successes, there is the opportunity to create a loving place where you open your heart and life to encourage the person to reach their full potential. You may not always please your partner, but you can discover how to give them acknowledgment for who both of you are individually.
7. .In order to keep a relationship, you must acknowledge your desire to love your partner, despite differences, difficulties and incompatibilities. This requires you to be honest and real about your efforts to create a loving accepting environment and your partner's capabilities to join you in creating an environment that will help the relationship grow. To save a relationship from break-up, it's all in your belief about possibilities for change. Even if you believe the worst about your partner and yourself and the problems you have created between you, your fears of keeping a relationship are secondary to your desire to make the relationship grow into an opportunity to support another human and support your own desires to love.
